Truth Be Told

I'm pretty burnt out, there's no doubt about it.  I work in a profession where half of what we do is find ways to prevent burn out, but it seems like all I'm really doing is finding new ways to exhaust myself.  Between the demands of being a full-time student and a "part-time" employee of a church (there's no such thing as "part-time" in ministry), I feel like I'm in a downward spiral that's only going to get worse.  However, it has been in these moments of weakness where I have had some of my favorite "ministry moments."

About a month ago, I strongly considered quitting.  I was done with church politics; I was tried of the constant struggle to make it through the week, all the while pretending to be happy.  That weekend I decided to introduce a song which was pretty controversial to the children's department.  (Any song that doesn't come off an album that includes the word "Kidz" in the title is controversial).  Verse by verse I began to teach the kids a song/hymn called "I Have Decided To Follow Jesus" and it spread like wildfire.  It was probably one of the most moving things I have ever experienced hearing a room of thirty to forty 1st-6th graders singing (and singing loudly) "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, though none go with me, still I will follow..."

Last night was a similar story.  I was exhausted as we started the worship set at our 530 service.  I was ready to hand in my two week notice and move on to other opportunities and never look back, but last night was different.  Every year my church holds baptism services where we call for people who have never been baptized before to publicly display their faith.  While lines of people began to form to be baptized, I couldn't help but think of what a good friend of mine had told me when I first entered ministry, "We have the blessing of being there when people experience life change, when they experience God.  That's not something to be taken lightly.  We are constantly put in the position for God to move through us, so make sure you are ready."  All at once I began to full grasp what was happening.  People were conscientiously choosing life.  It was a beautiful and overwhelming thought.  I watched as these people walked from their seats, got into a small inflatable pool, and publicly told around 800 people that they believed Jesus Christ had redeemed them and loved them.  It was too much to handle.  I will never forget how last night made me feel and how appreciative I was that God would use me as an instrument in that time.

Why is it that I have found a two of my favorite moments in ministry in times of deep burn out?  I think its a combination of two different ideas.  In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  In addition to that, Jesus also say in Matthew 6:34, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings its own worries.  Today's troubles are enough for today."  In both situations, I was at the ends of my rope, ready to give up.  And yet Jesus says that I will be comforted and sustained in these times of need by taking things one day, one moment at a time.  I'm not saying being burnt out is essential to finding rest in Jesus, but trusting that Jesus will bring you rest is essential to recover from burning out.

I know I'll feel burnt out again, who knows, it might even be this weekend or maybe next week, but truth is it doesn't really matter when it'll happen next.  What's important is that I take a step back and take a look at God's greater weave, knowing and trusting that rests comes in the morning.

Beautifully Broken

Peace is something that just doesn't come easily to me.  I'm a worrier.  I over-think and over-analyze any and every situation I find myself in.  It's not like I want or like to always be concerned, its exhausting, but that's just part of who I am.  Regardless of how much scripture I read, if I'm really honest with myself, I still have a hard time understanding what exactly peace is.  I find myself asking the question,"Is peace really possible in times of pain, or should I just accept that I'm always going to feel this way?"  It's a pretty uncomfortable and vulnerable place to be, and I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

A few weeks ago, I think I got my answer to peace.  It came in the form of an out of the blue song suggestion that a good friend gave me.  Here are the lyrics:

"Peace Come Over You" - The Rocket Summer

Bottled up, felt the pain before but not this much.  Oh my God, it's real, How will I ever heal?  Here are your new eyes, it's time to see life with brand new sight.  How could I now ever see positively?  It's hard trying to hold on with all that I have lost.  It all seems so wrong, but I trust You are God.  It's hard to know when I'll recover fully, it might be slow.  And what would I ever do if I did not have you to hold me back from throwing in the towel and not looking back on everything you have done and what you've overcome.  It's hard trying to hold on with all I have lost.  It all seems so wrong, but I trust You are God.  So will you hold me, as I'm crushed, my heart is in peaces.  And although I'm strong when I bleed, right now, I'm just too weak.  Peace come over you, feel the peace come over you.

It may sound crazy and take it as you may, but the whole time I sat and listened to the song, I felt like I was being prayed over.  It was unmistakable.  I finally felt like it was okay to have a difficult conversation again with God.  I had forgotten that God doesn't just want my praise, he also wants my pain.  To put it simply, I let God be God again.  I haven't cried as much as I did on that day in years.  It was nice to see the beauty in brokenness again.  I'll forever be grateful to have been blessed by this song suggestion.

One More Day

I had coffee with a friend of mine last night.  She's someone I look up to in so many ways.  She's definitely the anchor in my close group of friends, always being the one who seeks stability and peace.  In addition to that, I believe she has also made it her personal mission to make sure I don't make too much of an idiot of myself in a single sitting.  I love it.  I need more people like her in my life.

For her privacy, I'll refer to her as Kelly.

Kelly has been having a rough time lately.  She described her situation last night as a "plateau."  Life has thrown her so many curve balls these last few months that she's having a hard time knowing that things she held onto so dearly are certain anymore.  Growth has been her biggest problem.  She's in a season of confusion and normalcy in her faith and she hates it.  It's no secret to anyone that Kelly is a bit of a worrier, but I love that about her, because she's always a few steps ahead of me.  Unfortunately, this worrying about what's next and when this drought will end has begun to numb her.

After about an hour, we started talking about Matthew 6:34.  In this verse, Jesus says, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today."  Now within scriptural context, Jesus is talking about provision, or "our daily bread," but we started to discuss this verse within the context of faith.

I truly believe that the faith that got me through yesterday isn't nearly enough to get me through today or even tomorrow.  We live in a time when the world, or satan, or whatever you want to label is constantly moving, growing, and evolving.  Everyday we wake up with a target on our backs for pain, suffering, and brokenness.  We aren't supposed to make it one more day.  In response, we too must be in a constant state of movement, growth, and evolution.  We must daily ask God to give us the faith we need to get through one more day.  I don't think there's anything wrong with being on your knees at the end of each day, telling God, "I don't know if I can make it another day" because I believe each time He asks, "Can you make it just one more?"

To be honest I don't know really how our conversation went last night.  By the time we had finished, Kelly was pretty drained and just wanted to go to bed.  I walked her back to her place, and she thanked me and went inside.  All I left with for certain was that she had made it one more day, and that come the morning, her mercy's would be renewed and that she would look to find the faith to make it through one more day.

The Debut

I love songwriting.  It gives me an opportunity to tell a story of love and loss, obedience and disregard, prize and regret.  Its therapeutic and honest, especially because I feel like its not right to build a roller coaster if you've never been on one.  I need an outlet for heartbreak sometimes, and I have been blessed with the ability to convey my feelings through the form of song.  

I had the opportunity to spend the last 3 weeks at home for the holidays.  I always look forward to going home these days because I know its a safe place for me to sit and reflect on life and get some good writing done.  I won't lie, during my time at home, I wrote some pretty stupid stuff, but I came out of the 3 weeks with a song that I absolutely love.  It deals with the roller coaster that I have lived for the last 3 months of my life.  A few days ago I finally perfected the lyrics to flow how I wanted them to and began dreaming up the steps into releasing this song to my friends and family, but little did I know it would be released sooner than I expected.

A few days ago a close friend of mine decided to move on from a relationship that she has been in for the last 3 years.  In the amount of time it took for us to receive the text, my friends and I began damage control.  We spent every minute we had with her, assuring her of things we had no place assuring her of.  Unfortunately, we dropped the ball the first few nights.  Then flash forward to 2 nights ago.  I found myself  attempting to comfort a heartbroken friend while still trying to deal my own concerns, and for some reason the only thing I could think of doing was singing the song I had just written a few weeks ago.  After a brief intro, I decided the best idea was to sing the chorus.  "...But now I will never know how you and I can live separate lies and run from the truth that all these words amount to I love you..."  After a few moments of silence, the tears stopped.  She cleared her throat and thanked me, telling me it was beautiful.  For the first time in days she felt comforted in a way that couldn't be explained.  

This moment makes the hours and hours of writing and perfecting worth the trouble.  The fact that I was able to help comfort a friend in her time of need with something that helped comfort me is a beautiful thing.  Sing/talking the lyrics to the chorus of a simple song about love and confusion to a heartbroken friend turned out to be the best release I could have ever hope for.